Then I started to wonder what life would be like if I weren't so inclined to fight everything. What if I just said, "This is my life, and I'm glad to have it?"
The answer to that question is that I would have been lobotomized or heavily medicated because fighting everything (in my head only) is what I do! I hate this about myself and I am trying hard to change it, but I seem to have a strong sense of entitlement regarding how my life should be (despite almost none of it going the way I'd like it to go). Why is it so hard to change?
**Do you feel entitled to a certain kind of life?
Do you fight things or embrace them?
Have you ever had to drive without power steering?**
Do you fight things or embrace them?
Have you ever had to drive without power steering?**
Giveaway Winners
11--Lisa J.
2--Yeffinerp--Please email me (stuart_jill@hotmail.com)
5--Ryann
9--Melinda
4--Mitzi
Comment Window Tidbit: I had the sad realization that it isn't Christmas I'm counting down to and looking forward to, it's not having to work for 2 weeks that I'm really looking forward to most. That's just not right!
20 comments:
I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. It isn't fun, but it gets better with time. You aren't alone in this.
thanks so much Jill, I am looking forward to you CD.
Happy Holidays!
I have no answers, just sympathy. I have yet to figure out how to embrace my own life.
Sorry about the car problems. We're having those too. We're hoping it's just a hose.
I think the first and best step you can take is one you've already done, recognizing a need to change. Not doing anything is a lot easier.
One of the many reasons I love your blog is the way you crystalize thoughts that sort of jumble around in my brain.
I have entitlement problems, too! I just haven't looked at it that way. As a therapist might say: I think we've had a break through today!! I am going to look at my life a little differently.
I think your feelings and desires are very universal. It is a struggle to accept our realities, as you put it "entitlement". I guess it's comforting to remember that we would have nothing, deserve nothing, and everything is really just a gift. I think your thoughts here and working thru them might be one of the best Christmas presents to yourself. Your honesty & revelations are refreshing. Thank you for sharing & deep thoughts.
I had a talk with myself last weekend about how I need to embrace more and just go with the flow of my life instead of fighting it.
As another stay-at-home mom who recently & unexpectedly entered the work force as a Jr. High teacher, I have to say that I am right there with all of your feelings.
What is getting me through this rough first little while is two things:
1. I am not a quitter! I keep telling myself that and it is true. I would hate myself if I quit before giving it a real chance.
2. The extra money is nice. I had a hard time with not contributing when I first quit work to have babies and it is kind of nice to feel like I have the right to buy myself a pair of shoes or a book (even though my hubby never questioned my spending. It was all just my own personal guilt.)
I am counting down the days until Chirstmas break too, but won't that two weeks be sweeter knowing you have earned your rest.
I feel like I am constantly battling my own thoughts. Constantly. I hate it. Why can't I think something through, accept it or solve it, and then just not revisit it? But no. I wish I knew why change is so very hard.
Looking at my personality, I would think I am better at embracing things than fighting them, but my brain begs to differ...
I have had to drive without power steering. Not my favorite. But why is your car cold??
Getting up and driving to work early on a cold morning bites. There is no way around it and I think it's normal to resent the universe at a time like that! I am excited for your two weeks off! What a great perk of working for a school.
Well my wonderous friend, in my experience it takes surviving something very traumatic to make you say, "This is my life and I'm so glad I have it."
I think it is only when we emerge from a difficult experience that we have the ability to be simply grateful for our journey. For me at least, when life is wearing me down and I come through it and am grateful to have survived it--that is when i am able to just do the dead man's float, so to speak...to feel simple gratitude for the unique journey that is my life--unplanned experiences and all.
But I never get that kind of perspective until AFTERWARDS. I think it's ironic that I usually don't understand what an experience is teaching me until after I've been able to navigate it.
It has been some time since I have visited your blog. Today you popped into my thoughts and I wondered how you were doing?!
Your question about "entitled to a certain kind of life?" is certainly been on my mine as I drive to work with a squeaky belt each morning, the engine light glaring at me and wondering when I can get it fixed. It is frustrating. I think we need say "it is OK to feel that way at times." I know I am my own worst enemy, my hardest critic and worst of all the self talk is awful at times.
I am writing a book here. Let's embrace our things with prayer and know that the Lord is aware of what we are in need of at this time. May your day be a good one.
oh Jill, I have been able to relate to you so many other times, but not as much as this post. I unfortunately am battling these negative thoughts and thoughts of entitlement as well. It is surely one of my weaknesses. I am thanks in part to you, trying to focus on what I do have and practicing having more gratitude each day. these conversations in my head as I battle this is getting old...but I do know with the Lord's help, I can feel better. You already are such an example of this to me, thank you. And I am so excited for your cd! Thanks so much!
That feeling of entitlement we occasionally get bites e.v.e.r.y.t.i.m.e. It's so counterproductive, I wonder how we get it? You're always willing to be honest on your blog and it makes me face my own ideas and attitudes, thank you. I appreciate that.
Here's to your new routine, and a two year Christmas break.
I feel the EXACT same way except for different reasons. My counselor keeps telling me "we don't get it all." We have to be grateful for what we do get. I need to be grateful for not having to work and you need to be grateful for such a wonderful strong family and great husband and kids, which I know you are.
Still, getting up and going to work totally sucks and I would be complaining every day.
I struggle with the entitlement and fight things too. It's a tough cycle. I've heard it said, as Crystal said, that it sometimes takes us a really big life changer sometimes to see the silver lining and get off the negative treadmill. I hope that's not what it takes for me, though I do definitely perk up and stop it when I hear of others' trials.
I'm going without power doors right now. Waiting til Christmas bills are paid to deal with that expense as we just had to spend $900 on new tires. Reminding myself how blessed I am to have a car when I just want to say why oh why do we have these unexpected car expenses!
I think everyone struggles with this. It is just the way our brains work....and I think even when things are going perfectly we can STILL find things we wish were different. Growing up one of my favorite sayings was "It is not what we endure but how we endure" or something like that, also to "not just endure, but endure well". I think attitude makes all the difference. I laugh when I watch the young girls in my ward. Before they begin having babies they HATE their jobs, they just want a baby and to be able to go to the park with the other moms. Then a couple years later, with a toddler and a prego belly life is too hard, they miss work, their husbands don't understand how hard it is to stay home etc. etc. etc.
It makes me cry just thinking of how hard life is for so MANY people right now. This economy is crazy and so so unfair.
Negative thoughts are worse than anything else because we are harder on ourselves than anyone else.
You are not alone in this.
I find it interesting to look around and think I know someone and their issues and I don't. Because we really never know what their head and their heart is feeling. Someone might look 'perfect' - with their perfect marriage, home, kids, life, etc... but it is never what we see.
I think that this is Satan's great tools. To make us forget all that we do have. All that we can do. All that we can become. It is easy to do.
How fantastic to work for the school and get the break with your littles! Can you imagine if you had to be working while your littles were home for those 2 weeks? Perfect job!
...do you think that your power steering fluid is low?
Yippee I won again! How exciting!
The only thing I feel entitled to is being skinny. I feel like I should be blessed for having my children, willingly, and really trying to do what is right by being a mother. Is it too much to ask to be thin in return. Besides I am big because I had 5 kids!
Everything else that happens in life I try to be grateful for. It is so hard but I know someone else has it so much worse than me. And as soon as I let my woes get the best of me, I always hear of someone worse off, putting me in my placce. So I'm heavy, who cares? I can change that, someone who has cancer may not. It has taken me 9 years to be able to say this but I am trying to say it and out loud to people. In the last two years I have had to deal with some things I thought never in my life would I ever have to, so I have had to learn that the Lord is in control, and I can learn from really hard things. I haven't gotten to a place where I am happy with how I have reacted or dealt with some issues, but I know where I need to be and I am trying. But I can only do it with the Lord.
Yeah, how about a two year Christmas break?! hee.
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