Small-Talk Impaired

If I were to be graded on my small-talk abilities I would definitely receive an "F" because I am a complete failure. This surprises me because in general I feel like I can talk to people, but what I'm realizing is that I can only do that one-on-one, my mind goes blank in a group. I just love being an adult and feeling like an awkward teenager...NOT! I have no problem talking to cashiers, waiters, the lady who cuts my hair (who I'm seeing today), Whitney's teacher, people from church, etc., but man oh man do I look like a deer in the headlights when it comes to meeting Randy's co-workers.


So last night was Randy's work party at Ruby River Steakhouse, and boy did I make a fool of myself. I must have looked like the girl who could only smile and nod. It was painful. It doesn't help that I think functions like that are a waste of precious holiday-season time, but really it would be nice if I were able to act like an interesting adult rather than a personalityless lump in a turtleneck sweater.

When we first got to the party they handed out a piece of paper and a little bag that was sewn shut and a had a number on it. The object was to go around the room (thus interacting with everyone) to guess what was in their bag and to write down their name and the item they had. I thought it was kind of a clever game, but after about 5 minutes I became completely grossed out because everyone was touching the same bags over and over again to try to figure out what was inside. Is it me or does this seem like a bad idea in flu season?? Not to mention all the introductions and hand shaking going on. I felt nauseous at the idea of all of this cross-contamination and fled to the bathroom to do a frantic and thorough hand scrub.


Fortunately the game was ending when I returned so we were able to find a seat and have appetizers. Yes, that means everyone else in the room started eating with their filthy hands and licking their fingers from the Buffalo Wings (ah, carumba), blooming onion, and jalapeno poppers we were served! No doubt everyone in the office will be fighting the same bugs now. I may be small-talk impaired by I'm no chump!

Here are some small-talk tips from eHow, perhaps I should have thought of this BEFORE the party. Duh.
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Small talk can be a big challenge, but a little preparation and confidence is all you need.

Instructions

• STEP 1: Practice. Converse with everyone you come across: cashiers, waiters, people you're in line with, neighbors, co-workers and kids. Chat with folks unlike yourself, from seniors to teens to tourists.
• STEP 2: Read everything: cookbooks, newspapers, magazines, reviews, product inserts, maps, signs and catalogs. Everything is a source of information that can be discussed.
• STEP 3: Force yourself to get into small talk situations, like doctors' waiting rooms, cocktail parties and office meetings. Accept invitations, or host your own gathering.
• STEP 4: Immerse yourself in culture, both high and low. Television, music, sports, fashion, art and poetry are great sources of chat. If you can't stand Shakespeare, that too is a good topic for talk.
• STEP 5: Keep a journal. Write down funny stories you hear, beautiful things you see, quotes, observations, shopping lists and calls you made. That story of the long-distance operator misunderstanding you could become an opening line.
• STEP 6: Talk to yourself in the mirror. Make a random list of topics and see what you have to say on the subjects. Baseball, Russia, butter, hip-hop, shoes ... the more varied your list, the better.
• STEP 7: Expand your horizons. Go home a new way. Try sushi. Play pinball. Go online. Paint a watercolor. Bake a pie. Try something new every day.
• STEP 8: Be a better listener. Did your boss just say she suffers from migraines? Did your doctor just have twins? These are opportunities for making small talk.
• STEP 9: Work on confidence, overcoming shyness and any feelings of stage fright. Remember, the more you know, the more you know you can talk about.

Tips & Warnings

• Be yourself. Keep in mind that confidence and humor are superb substitutes for comedic genius or wit.
• Remember, you never have to do it alone.
• Keep a few exit lines in mind too. For example, "Thanks for the wonderful chat, but I must make believe I'm interested in everybody else. Tee hee."
• Keep your fellow chatterers in mind; naughty stories and loose language will be frowned upon in many circles. By the same token, your French quips and scientific discourses will be wasted on some.

After reading this I can't help but notice that it doesn't say anything about dealing with the compulsively nervous laughter from the very chatty wife of one of the employees. It was so off-putting to me that all I could do was watch in horror.

**Do you have small-talk skills?
Are you comfortable with lots of people you don't know?
Do you have any advice for me?**