Sunday Thoughts

Last night found me struggling to get motivated for church again this week, but I continued to prepare my Sunday School lesson, prayed fervently for help, and went to bed at 9:00 for a NyQuil-induced slumber of champions.

This week it was Sacrament Meeting that gave me the boost I needed and answered my prayer. The first talk was a great one by a freshly returned missionary (his testimony and enthusiasm were contagious) and the 2nd talk was the high council speaker from our ward (he is amazing, but rarely gets to speak in our ward).

The high council speaker's talk was all about enjoying mortality and doing hard things! (Um hello!)

--We are all called to pass through times of misery, but we don't have to be miserable.
--We shouldn't be afraid of doing hard things.
--Trying to escape our trials is NOT part of the Plan of Happiness.
--In their day, Laman and Lemuel would have been considered "active" members of the church. They did many of the outward things they were asked to do (leave their home, get the plates from Laban), but complained while doing them...are we like them?
--We were saved to be on the earth in these latter days, we were valiant and faithful in the premortal life.
--Before we came to earth, we were told of the challenges we would face and we all answered by saying, "I can do that!" (Here he gave examples like--being born with a birth defect, having a spouse be unfaithful, having a chronic illness, being short and fat, having Alzheimer's Disease, being poor.)
--Don't pray to avoid your trials. Don't be afraid of doing hard things. We are faithful and strong, we can handle the things that come our way.

This was the perfect pep talk for me right now. I know and believe all of these things, yet I still manage to forget and end up feeling weak and negative about life; I actually complained to Michelle about being mortal the other day. When I snap out of these feelings by gaining perspective I feel embarrassed for falling so easily, yet when I'm in the middle of suffering through something I can't seem to see clear of it. Aargh!

**Thoughts??**

P.S. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.

Comment Window Tidbit: Our computer may have died (or perhaps just slipped into a coma) so that means I'm now using an old laptop and may have lost a whole lot of data. I'm not happy about it, and my posting may decrease as a result. I've got a system people and now it's been blown to bits.

Sunday Thoughts

I have not been myself lately. Or maybe I've been too much of myself and it's driving me crazy. I don't know, but I think it has something to do with a 4 month absence of Zoloft from my body. The roller coaster rides of emotion are making me feel unstable and out of sorts (2 things I'm not very keen on) and it's time to get off.

So last night before bed I told Randy that for the first time in years I wasn't feeling very keen on going to church. I think maybe missing primary and not loving to teach my Sunday School class are part of it, but most likely these feelings are coming from the above mentioned imbalance going on in my brain.

Before bed last night I prayed that I would have a desire to go and that I would get something from church that spoke directly to me. That meant that when my alarm went off this morning I had to get up and get ready. I mean, I can't pray for help and then not do my part to make things happen right? But I really, really wanted to be sick today.

The meetings went like this...Sacrament Meeting was fine, but not a tear-jerker for me more like a battle with the Sandman because I could hardly stay awake. Sunday School was okay, it wasn't my week to teach so I tried to keep the kids quiet (they're chatty 12 year olds) and tried to pay attention, but I kept picturing being home in the cozy.

But then I went to Relief Society and experienced a direct answer to my prayer. The lesson was on Sacrifice, and the teacher was listing well known examples from the scriptures (Abraham and Isaac, Christ's Atonement). But then she said, that we often disregard our own sacrifices because they aren't as big as the ones we compare ourselves to. Then she went on to list a bunch of things we do that can be considered sacrifices and ended by saying "Making the decision to get out of bed to come to church today even though you didn't feel like you could do it was a sacrifice." I felt like a light shone down from heaven directly on me with the Lord saying "I heard you, I know how you feel and I'm glad you chose to come today anyway."

It's amazing when prayers get answered this way and it's very humbling to have to experience the rawness that makes me feel so sad and alone in the first place. I will be calling to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow because I don't think my emotions were meant to be this up and down, nor everyday to be such a battle with myself. But I am very grateful for inspired teachers and a loving Father in Heaven who answers my prayers.

**Thoughts??**

Randomalicious

So it's Thursday, February 28th (good grief where has the month gone?) and I feel like I'm in life limbo right now. The blues seem to be coming in waves so sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down, but at least when I'm down I'm not sobbing uncontrollably; it's more of a retreat to the cozy kind of thing.


Yesterday Randy was home a lot of the day so I was in the cozy reading my book club book. Having him home and on the computer is making me question some of the things I normally do, because I'm finding that I'm feeling a little lost. I'm not out buying things for the house or kids so that's been kind of weird. Normally I have all kind of errands to run, but since I'm trying not to spend money all of that has come to a halt.

I ended up getting a lot of reading done yesterday and found it rather peaceful. I like this book. I don't know anything controversial about the author or the book, so for me it's all interesting even though it's my second time around.


I have a lot of gray hair! I had to start getting regular weaves because of it, but I can still see the grays, especially when I pull my hair back. It would be nice if gray hair looked as good on younger women as it does on younger men.


In other news...I got a postcard from the gym! How sad is that? I haven't been gymalicious in about a month so they're checking up on me. I thought I was unstoppable since having my epiphany about how it's easier to do hard things than it is to feel bad about not doing them, but I didn't account for not feeling bad about not doing them. I'm hoping this is just some sort of winter-time, unemployment-related funk I'm going through and not the new me.


Wendi sent me this nice card and book on Tuesday. They arrived at the perfect time for me so I got in the cozy and read for a couple of hours. I find that I'm highlighting something on every page (always a good sign) and have lots of ideas for upcoming Sunday Thoughts posts. Thank you Wendi for such a thoughtful and well-timed gift!

Kristy sent me this cute thank you card for some products she ordered from my Etsy site. It was very sweet of her to let me know she was happy with what I sent. Thanks!


Elizabeth also sent me a thank you card regarding the good mail labels she ordered from me. I think it's cute that she wanted hers to say "Aloha" on them, and think it's nice of her to send me this card.

I had lasagna and a Twix for breakfast today...is that so wrong?

Happy Birthday Becky!!!

**Do the blues hit you in waves too?
Have you read in the cozy this week?
Does your gym send you postcards?
Do you have gray hair too?
What's the weirdest thing you've had for breakfast?**

Withdrawing

I've been weepy and low today thanks to my tendency to take some negativity and run with it. It's not just Randy's unemployment bringing me down, now it's the entire state of my life. This tendency to go to the extremes is a rough part of my personality and is something I have always struggled with.

Several years ago (4.5) while at a particularly low point (still living at my parents' house, praying for the misery to end) I finally went to see a counselor thanks to some encouragement and effort from my brother Adam. It was such a blessing for me to have someone impartial to talk to. I could hardly speak through the crying, but it was such a relief to let it out and to have someone outside my world tell me I wasn't crazy for feeling this way and that I had been dealing with a lot for one person to handle.


I went to see her several more times and at one of these visits she recommended that I see my doctor for a prescription for Zoloft. I was so relieved because I felt like I'd been doing everything I could do to feel better, but that it wasn't working. I have had friends on antidepressants who had greatly benefited from them, but somehow I thought my depression was circumstantial.


So I went to the doctor, got a prescription and have been grateful ever since. I take the smallest dose, but it's enough to even me out and keep me from going to such emotional extremes. I have been a much better version of me since then. It was such a change for me that I ended up mourning for the years of struggle I'd dealt with on my own. It seemed so foolish to try to handle life like that when there was something chemically missing from my body.


Well my prescription ran out last week and I knew I had to go in to the doctor for a 3 minute appointment so he'd write me a new prescription. I should have known better than to let there be any overlap of time without it, but I was in great spirits and thought it wouldn't be any big deal. Boy was I wrong. Here I am 1 week later, crying so much that I didn't even wear mascara today (that's my desert-island cosmetic, so that's big). I feel like there's a weight on my heart, so everything I think about reduces me to tears. Not good.

I went to the doctor today and spent 1.5 hours in the waiting room reading just so I could have 3 minutes with the doctor to get my prescription refilled. I stopped by Michelle's house on the way home, then came home and got into bed. My capacity for dealing with life is gone. Randy ended up picking up the kids from school (because he's here #$@!), so I stayed in bed from 2:30-7:30. The only real benefit to this was that I didn't have to do anything else, but I ended up with a migraine and several phone messages to return.

It's probably good that life won't let me withdraw too much from it, because right now I feel like canceling every commitment I've made. Instead I got a phone call from a lady at church asking me to play a small role in a play for our Relief Society birthday activity next month. Ugh. I hate being in skits, but she told me it's the smallest part and she read me the paragraph I'll have to say, so I told I would do it dang it.

I have got to go pick up my prescription...

One more thing, I didn't mean for this to be a secret. It just sort of went on for so long and I didn't think about it too much. But a day like today is such a great reminder of how helpful it can be and how so many people could be suffering unnecessarily because they haven't looked into it. Also, I have friends who think depression is a state of mind and that it's a matter of getting off the couch and doing something, but that is so NOT true. People who feel like that haven't experienced depression for real or they would know better than to say something like that.

**What do you think??
Can you believe I had to wait 1.5 hours for a 3 minute appt.?
Have you experienced any of these things?
How do you feel about being in skits?**