You must watch this video to grasp the thinking behind my title.
I am officially fighting the urge to freak out and give in to the crying mess inside of me (yes, me the noncryer has been on the verge and even produced some tears over the past 3 days) that's trying to break free. I feel like I'm falling apart physically (oh wait, because I am!) and mentally (this is where the "Keep It Together Man" comes in), but thus far I am in tact spiritually (good timing with Conference this weekend.) I don't want to whine, but I'm gonna.
My back is still a mess, though I haven't had any more near-pass out episodes, and Paris looms. Paris shouldn't loom! Paris should entice and intoxicate and fill one with anticipation, but for me right now Paris is a taunting, frenemy.
Not having insurance, means that any doctor or chiropractor visit I manage this week will be a serious stretch financially while already in the middle of an uncomfortable preParis stretch as it is (my back hurts, I'm in no position to stretch). I've already been stressing about shoes, taxi fare, food, museum passes and incidentals, and have not been planning on a doctor visit!
Here is Landon imitating my current state of woe.
Another lovely ailment that has been plaguing me is the psoriasis on my scalp. I've had it forever (it doesn't go away) and can usually keep it under control with a prescription. Of course, I ran out of it months ago and have been suffering ever since. It is so bad now that Randy sucked it up and went to get my prescription, only to find that it was twice the already horrendous cost we were expecting!!
I cried.
I'm sick of eating humble pie, I've been served more than I care to eat.
I am consciously trying not to give in (all the way) to the strong desire I have to feel sorry for myself and give up, but it is hard.
**How do you keep it together?
Can you believe the price for this prescription?
Would you slump down and cry?
Do you have any rich relatives who'd like to sponsor me?**
Can you believe the price for this prescription?
Would you slump down and cry?
Do you have any rich relatives who'd like to sponsor me?**
Comment Window Tidbit: I can do hard things!
31 comments:
Have Paris and frenemy ever been in the same sentence before?
I'm so sorry to hear of your sore back/financial/prescription woes.
The price on that prescription is offically insane. Seriously, what is in that magic stuff that could possibly cost so much?
I wish I had words of wisdom or a rich relative who could sponsor you..but the words of Dory (Finding Nemo- sorry that's just the phase of life I'm in now) come to mind "Just keep swimming".
P.S. your birthday good mail arrived today and I was so touched I nearly shed a tear. I love, love, love the cards. The quote spoke to my soul.
I think it's good you document the days like this - that's why I blogged about sickness yesterday. One day when I look back I'll see it all - not just the picnics, the parties, etc. I hate that you are experiencing so much physical pain this close to leaving for Paris. Does it comfort you any that I've never been to Europe and am incredibly jealous? I know you know this, but to me your life is "rich" to me in so many ways. I would give anything to have a closer relationship with my siblings, to have a friend who invited me to spend a week in Paris, to have parents who would keep my kids overnight, to have friends who understand me spiritually and intellectualy, to be a stay at home mom...
That said, I wish I could hook you up with some health insurance!
we've had times without health insurance... that is so hard.. I am sorry!
how do I keep it together? no idea sometimes... there are days-
yep I can believe that cost- unfortunately.
wish I could sponsor you myself...
hang in there.. you have a lot of good going for you!
I wish I could hook you up with some good pain killers. I will pray for a miracle that you can get pass the back pain quickly!
All my rich relatives died a long time ago.
Owwwwwwwww! is right. I hope your back heals quickly.
I had a horrible back pain that came out of the blue a few weeks ago. I took 2 valium and I was cured. Your doctor can prescribe just 2. In fact, my doctor wouldn't give me more than 3.
I would cry, Doctor bills and prescriptions make me nauseous on a good day...add serious pain and yes I would cry.
I love that clip.
The fragile state of affairs for you so close to Paris is not good. I'm sorry the pain is all consuming. I'd gladly lend a relative if one ever existed. If one did, no one has ever told me!
Yeah for Conference keeping the spiritual side in tact. That's a good thing.
I keep it together for a while and then, when I can take it no longer, I HAVE to cry. Got to just get it out and then I feel a little better.
That prescription price is RIDICULOUS!!
Get a blessing. You're in my thoughts and prayers,
Oh dear. I will call can see what I can do tomorrow.
I cry all the time and want to give up daily... I keep deleting because I know my negativity doesn't help...
I hope you get feeling better soon! There is a chiropractor on Main Street in Lehi that says $15 adjustments. Of course, I haven't been there but I have seen the sign....
Straight talk --
Paris is coming, you already paid for the ticket, there's nothing you can do about it now.
Your back is seriously messed up. You need medical attention.
Life costs money, regular life costs money, plus the addition of an international trip costs money.
Try to take the emotion out of the decision right now. Your only option is to pay for things, or to not pay for things. It sucks that the prescription costs that much, but do you really want an itchy, flaky scalp on top of everything else right now? No. Pay for it.
Do you want to have a crap time in Paris? No. Credit-card. Pay for it. Pay for it all.
It's go time. You're in this situation, you have to deal with it. The only decision you have to make is whether you're going to put everything on plastic or pay for it with cash, or not. Are you, or aren't you? No emotion.
When you come back from Paris, you'll save money, you'll take it easy on your back, you'll cut even more expenses, blah, blah, blah. But now...dude, you've paid $1,000 for a plane ticket for another rare, rare opportunity. Go. for. it. Just put the money guilt on hold and go into the situation ready for some good times.
This is what would suck -- you already feel crappy about money, you feel more than crappy about your back, then you go to Paris and let the money guilt taint your time there and you keep wondering if it was a mistake that you went.
The ticket is paid for. You can't go back and undo it, so just rain clouds in American Fork. Have one final splash out, tell yourself you'll deal with the big stuff when you get home, and put the guilt on hold.
Remember in You've Got Mail when Joe tells Kathleen, 'It's not personal, it's business'? Just look at the situation like it's a business decision.
$1,000 ticket > back problems > shampoo prescription > medical attention = guilt-ridden time in Paris.
or
$1,000 ticket > back problems > shampoo prescription > medical attention = toss it, I'm going to Paris and I'm going to do what I need to (puh-la-stic) to have a good time.
I usually don't advocate for charging things, but, dude, it's go time. If you don't go to the doctor it's going to cast a shadow on you're trip.
You can do hard things, of course you can. You aren't a wimp. You are a decision maker. You are going to access this situation and do what you need to in order to get the job done. You've done harder things in the past. This is cake, baby, cake. You've got this.
I'm sorry that your back is hurting. I know that makes everything miserable b/c it's affected by every movement.
I know this won't help on the psoriasis prescription but it might if you get one for your back. Look up the name of the prescription online and lots of pharmaceutical companies now have coupons for their meds which makes them sometimes less than the generic. Maybe your doctor would call you in a muscle relaxer so you wouldn't have the added cost of a visit. It's worth a try.
Have a good cry and then just think-I'm going to Paris, I can do anything! :)
I'm sorry about your back. I feel your pain (litterally, my back is seriously out right now too.)
Rebekah is right. You are committed to go forward at this point even if it is into debt to pay for it all. I know that pain too. In the Spring I tagged along on a business trip to India with my husband. It cost more than we could afford, but We would have regretted it for the rest of our llives if I had not gone.
I hope it all turns out well for you. Hang in there.
I am so sorry. Times like this make me wish I could afford to just write checks without a thought...I'd send you one for sure!
Can you qualify for Medicaid? Do you know a doctor that would see you pro bono?...sometimes they do that.
My advise is go to an ER: Hospitals will work out a payment plan...do NOT put it all on a credit card like someone suggested (Hello?! They charge big interest...duh, a hard time digging out of that hole.) Hospitals will set you up on a plan you can afford & NOT charge interest. It took me 3 years to pay off my last C-section with 3 weeks of bedrest, but I did it, $100/month.
GO SEE A REAL DOCTOR...just get into the ER & get seen. I hope you have good things come you way soon!
I would NOT go to the ER - that will cost a fortune just to walk in the door! Once they triage you, that's it-- you will be billed, even if you never see a dr. The ER dr is also not likely to do much for pain, they want your physician to do that due to all of the drug seekers out there. Trust me, I have patients who actually get tooth extractions done just for the pain meds they'll get. ER staff is for true medical emergencies, and this seems to be a chronic problem. All they will do is tell you to go see your regular dr. I would also NOT put any of this on a credit card. That's not a solution.
You can get a bottle of generic muscle relaxers, with the whole prescription costing less than $20. Medicaid probably isn't an option either or else you would have done that. Here you have to earn less that $578 a month and I'm hoping Randy makes more than that! For children in LA though there is something called LA CHIP - louisiana children's health insurance program. It is a low cost state run insurance program for children who have parents who work but don't earn enough to buy private insurance. Is there something like this in Utah that would help your kids? I know that won't help your back, but just throwing possibilities out. . .
Interesting to see all your comments - we all want to help and we all think we are right! We are all rooting for you in our own way!
I second everything Natasha just said. Go to a chiropractor not the er. They can't really help you there. Putting everything on a credit card? No way.
I cry a lot in the shower. That is how I keep it together along with a lot of praying. Sometimes you need a good cry!
I just payed 93$ for prescription refills yesterday for Livy and Ry's inhalers and breathing treatments. That was just copays.
I do have some extremely rich reletives on Jason's side but their donations are all going to Jason's sister who had triplets and is going toward her hospital bill that consist on her living in the hospital for 3 weeks and now her NICU bill that will come after the babies stay of 2 months. Sorry.
Man, I really feel for you right now. Back pain, or any pain for that matter, is so debilitating. I hope you experience a miraculous recovery. A few years ago I had to travel with my two youngest kids for some medical treatment they were receiving in Cincinnati. We would be there for two weeks and there would be a lot of walking back and forth from the Ronald McDonald house where we were staying and the hospital. Three days before we were to leave I fell down a step leaving a friends house. I twisted my ankle and have never felt such excruciating pain. The first thing I thought was, "how will I ever do the trip." It was a Friday night, late in the evening, and my only option was to ask for a priesthood blessing. My husband had to carry me in the house as I could put no weight on my ankle. When I awoke the next morning I was able to walk with no problem. It was definitely a miracle. I'm not sure why I just shared that in your comment section but I am thinking about you and hoping you can recover for your trip to Paris.
Studies have shown that a good cry can be good for you. I can't remember if you said you did something to your back, or if it just started hurting. If you didn't physically tweak it, there's a Very good chance that your pain is stressed induced. A friend of mine actually gets back pain so bad, she's nearly crippled from it, every time she gets entirely too stressed out. I get migraines that leave me not wanting to leave bed, block out all light and sound. You should stop fighting it, and just allow yourself a really good cry while the kids are at school. It could help significantly. People need to re-learn not to fight their bodies so dang much.
I woke up this morning with a horrible lower back pain. Just like you, I don't know why. I am going to get a massage with one of my dad's friends later on today to see if that will ease the pain.
I hope you get better soon - your PARIS trip awaits you!!!!!
Jill- Call me!
Oh dear! I'm so sorry you are in the midst of pain both physical and monetary! I can and can't believe the price of that prescription!
Some chiropractors have special deals that they can do for those without insurance...I'd call around and see if you can't find something like that.
I sure wish I had a rich relative...I could use some extra cash too.
I hope all your worries get taken care of, that your back pain is relieved, so that you can concentrate on your fabulous trip to Paris coming up.
I'm so sorry. Sometimes it's just too much and crying is a good release. I do hope you can find a solution to these woes and that you mend quickly. You're in my prayers, friend!
go to the temple and pray for a miracle
get a blessing
get the shampoo alf gets is the netrogena (for scalp) it is sooo goood (10.00)....and nothing like that total...
and have a good good good good and long long long long long cry--sometimes it is good to feel sorry for yourself, it doesn't take away that you are a positive optimistic person. I have been crying as you know practically every other day, even in YOGA, it has been sooooo overboarding...uncontrollably at times...and for the back missy....take it easy and try not to stress...stress is very very very bad for the back. I don't know any chiropractors over there, but let me make some phone calls...maybe we can come up with something. Some of the positions in yoga are really good for lower back, I will have to ask tomorrow...and let you know. I truly truly truly belive that your trip to PARIS will bring you comfort and joy and a peace that only comes after experiencing trials like this.
Don't fret about the shoes...just be as comfortable as possible even if it is not fashionable.
missy, get your stuff and walk to the temple...that will be double good. you need to walk walk walk walk walk walk it will only help your back...if it hurts to walk right now, drive and then after maybe walk back...and the walk up again to get your car
go now!
Jill.
Oh my I don't think I realized how much pain you are in. I hope my stretch comment did not come across as being insensitive I did not mean it to be(that is what I get for reading a blog backwards)
my heart goes out to you and i can tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I have spent years and years stressing about money. (i wish blogging was around so i could have all that documented) I have seen Jeff cry I think twice since we have been married and one time was about money stress. it is like carrying a backpack full of rocks.
6 months before we moved to New Orleans and he started school, Jeff broke his thumb in a million places and had to have surgery, pins, xrays the works. He was 5 days from his insurance starting. The surgery and expenses were over $5000. I can remember taking him directly out of recovery still groggy because every hour he was there was more money. We paid it all off 6 years later. I will never forget writing that bill every month when he was in grad school, i was not working, we had a brand new baby and made $800 a month. Some of the worst times of our life for sure.
I for sure don't know the answer for you and your situation, but I know that you have every tool known to man to receive answers.
I have missed siblings weddings and family funerals because of money and I have taken trips that I could not afford. I have made those types of decisions before I have so been where you have been and I only say that to say if you want to talk I am here to listen if you need it.
I remember after 6 months of serving downtown in the D.C. ward I was crying to a friend about all of the problems the ward members had and it just did not seem FAIR that they had their life and I had mine. My friend (Emily D. mom) looked at me and said something I will never forget
"Kristi all of their problems can be solved with money. And if a majority of your problems can be solved with money in the grand scheme of things you are doing something right"
She was right. They were some of the most giving, spiritual, loving, non zealous people I had ever met.
I know people with money and think of how many of their problems could not even begin to change with their money.
You have one of the most amazing family units I know of. You play games around a table, you talk to all of your sisters and your mom, you support each other, you camp out together on a porch, you have family home evening with your kids, you read your scriptures, your kids are BRiLLiANT, you teach your kids to serve....
Sure it does not mean it is perfect but just think a slew of your problems could be solved with money and Jill my friend not many people could say that.
I also know that saying all of that may sound insensitive now because I also realize that it will not change the situation - but hope it lets you know I care.
I wish I had an answer, I wish I could make it all go away, I pray your pain will decrease, I wish I could pay all your bills.
I say rock in the corner and cry - i do it all the time.
Heavenly Father loves you. I think you are a generous wonderful woman. You have friends who are there to help. Your husband is great and Adam will for sure make you laugh.
Hang in there kid!
I am so sorry about your back pain. I don't keep it together very well at times. I suppose, I spend a lot of time on my knes.
Meds are so expensive - but so needed...so it will be ok in the long run.
I, too, have rich relatives - but they have long such passed and didn't leave me anything. :-(
I hope that you are able to fix this pain and hopefully, the money woes won't seem as bad when you are in better health.
Hang in there - YOU CAN (WILL) DO HARD THINGS! YOU ARE STRONG!!
(this can be your new mantra....)
Thoughts and prayers heading your way.
Wow! You have struck a nerve (no pun intended) with your loyal friends. I am assuming there are similar options in American Fork, but here in Salt Lake there are clinics at the Smith's marketplace. Real doctors and a visit is about $40. You will struggle on the long plane ride if you don't do something for your back. I would say only put what is absolutely necessary on that charge card - they do charge ridiculous interest...sometimes. Maybe you have a low rate. No matter what you simply can't put off doing something for your back. Maybe letting some of those tears fall will actually be a stress reliever for your body. I am not a crier either - I fight it until I explode. But sometimes I feel so much better afterwards! I want you to have a blast in Paris, not just go and lay on the couch watching spongebob in french. (Did you know that in France they call Squidward Carlo?) Get in a hot shower, bawl your head off, wrap yourself up, say a prayer and make an appointment with someone!
Yikes. Chronic pain and money stress can make you want to break down and cry and give up, but both together?? It's pretty much inevitable. I cannot believe the price on that prescription. Have you tried Neutrogena T-Sal (the clear kind)? My dermatologist recommended it for my kids who had trouble scalps and it worked great. Might save you a little $ next time?
I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. And amazed that the back pain seems to have helped with the ankle pain! And so relieved that your leg doesn't seem to have a blood clot after all. Serenity now.
Oh no! This sounds like your day was not so bueno. I hate days where everything seems to go wrong, and an almost $100 prescription would make me cry too. In fact, I probably would have cried much earlier in the day, so I give you props for holding out for so long.
I keep it together by listening to Harry Potter on my iPod. No joke.
If I could sponsor your trip to Paris, I'd totally do it. Let's pretend I have money and that you're sponsored. Okay? Okay.
Hope things start looking up :)
Don't get me started on prescriptions. I went to go pick mine up and found out it was $3,200. Yep- that isn't a mistype and I HAVE INSURANCE. So, do I fill the sucker and walk or do I not fill it and hobble around hoping my arthritis miraculously cures itself?
Luckily I got it worked out, but it made me even more thankful that we have insurance.
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