So last night before bed I told Randy that for the first time in years I wasn't feeling very keen on going to church. I think maybe missing primary and not loving to teach my Sunday School class are part of it, but most likely these feelings are coming from the above mentioned imbalance going on in my brain.
Before bed last night I prayed that I would have a desire to go and that I would get something from church that spoke directly to me. That meant that when my alarm went off this morning I had to get up and get ready. I mean, I can't pray for help and then not do my part to make things happen right? But I really, really wanted to be sick today.
The meetings went like this...Sacrament Meeting was fine, but not a tear-jerker for me more like a battle with the Sandman because I could hardly stay awake. Sunday School was okay, it wasn't my week to teach so I tried to keep the kids quiet (they're chatty 12 year olds) and tried to pay attention, but I kept picturing being home in the cozy.
But then I went to Relief Society and experienced a direct answer to my prayer. The lesson was on Sacrifice, and the teacher was listing well known examples from the scriptures (Abraham and Isaac, Christ's Atonement). But then she said, that we often disregard our own sacrifices because they aren't as big as the ones we compare ourselves to. Then she went on to list a bunch of things we do that can be considered sacrifices and ended by saying "Making the decision to get out of bed to come to church today even though you didn't feel like you could do it was a sacrifice." I felt like a light shone down from heaven directly on me with the Lord saying "I heard you, I know how you feel and I'm glad you chose to come today anyway."
It's amazing when prayers get answered this way and it's very humbling to have to experience the rawness that makes me feel so sad and alone in the first place. I will be calling to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow because I don't think my emotions were meant to be this up and down, nor everyday to be such a battle with myself. But I am very grateful for inspired teachers and a loving Father in Heaven who answers my prayers.
**Thoughts??**
25 comments:
Oh man, too bad about the dryer. That is a pain in the butt.
This experience is so awesome! Not the part about how you are feeling but it is always so amazing to me when our prayers are answered so directly and personally. I know prayers are answered, I believe that whole heartily, but it is such an amazing, humbling experience when mine get answered.
I have also had prayers answered that have been humbling and so comforting. What a neat experience for you.
I feel like I've been on the roller coaster for years. Is that not normal? Ha! My family wouldn't recognize me without all my personalities. The only good thing is that usually after the hard, teary day, I get to enjoy the upswing day too. I'm sorry you have been having a hard time. I think having to go back to work at this stage of life would throw me for a major breakdown. So many parts of the "plan" I have given up on but I'm hanging onto the "I'm staying home to be the mom" for dear life.... I'm very familiar with the constant battle with myself. I hope things get better soon....
That is amazing! I am glad that you wrote it down and shared it with us - so many times we have these amazing 'answers' to our prayers and quickly discount them or disregard them later. This is great to reflect and read your thoughts from today!
I, too, have had direct answers to my prayers and I am always so grateful that 1. I asked, 2. that I listened (heard)
Hope you have a great week! :-)
Wonderful! I kind of wanted to be sick this morning, too, but then I reminded myself that I have never once regretted going to church. Same exact scenario when I was getting ready for my meeting yesterday morning. Why do I fight it? Mortality (fist waving in the air)!
I am so glad that your prayer was answered so quickly and directly. I am so glad that you're calling the doctor – I know you shouldn't have to battle that hard every day.
Isn't it awesome when our prayers are answered so directly? I'm glad you are calling your doctor. You deserve to be happy! I hope the dryer situation gets resolved soon.
Oh, I do hope you're feeling normal soon. Swings are only fun on a playground.
I'm so glad the Lord spoke to you in such a personal way today that you could not mistake. Thank heavens for teachers that follow promptings, too!
So much of the up-and-down-swing has to do with being a woman and dealing with roller coaster monthly hormones, too. NOT EASY.
Now, go get your drugs. That's my girl! You knowwww i love my drugs :D
xo
okay. the above comment was NOT max. It was me, Crystal. gah.
BY. THE. WAY. There had better be a "Shmalentine's" post tomorrow, young lady. I'm counting on it.
It'll be my 4th Shmalentine's post by you! Wow. I feel like a lifer.
thank you Jill. I sometimes foolishly feel that I am the only one having this battle inside myself, everyone else has it figured out. I know, so silly, I know this isnt true. Hoping you are on your way to feeling better and am glad your prayers were answered.
Good for you for calling the doctor tomorrow. Life is hard enough without battling depression. I love what you said about having to get up and go to church because you can't ask for help and then not do your part. It's easy to ask for help and want to sit back and have help delivered. I bet Heavenly Father is often trying to tell us he is aware of us and we are doing okay--good for you for being tuned in and hearing it.
I'm so glad you went anyway. I keep telling myself- go anyway- to a lot of things...
You are so right that we have to do our part- and appreciate you mentioning that.
Your truthful self helps a lot of us out here who have many of the same feelings so I thank you.
Good for you making a doctors appt. too!
One of your best posts ever.
Jeff has a quote that I love: "90%is just showing up." It's his way of reminding me that getting out of bed and just going/doing whatever it is I have been dreading, counts for soo much. thanks for the reminder--some days I feel that way about mothering! :)
OH Jill. This post has my eyes so blurry from tears I can hardly see..... What an incredible experience.
I understand these feelings completely. When I am pregnant my hormones do crazy things and I can honestly feel my personality change. I struggle every Sunday, especially now that I am out of primary. I tell Brandon all the time that I don't know what I would do if this was how I felt all the time. Luckily, I have always gone back to my normal self once the baby is born...but just experiencing it for 9 months makes me so much more sympathetic to people who struggle like this.
It makes my heart so happy that your prayer was answered....
First of all, for the dryer- go to repairclinic.com to diagnose the problem and get the part you need. They are so helpful and you can do a live chat or email them a more detailed scenario and they will tell you what part you need for your model. If Randy is at all handy he could probably do it. We had to repair our dryer a few months ago and it end up costing us about $15 to do it ourselves. It was completely unusable, and then perfectly fine! RepairClinic.com.
Secondly, I agree that was an awesome experience and I'm glad you recorded it. I am guilty of quickly discounting these experiences or forgetting the impact of them. 'Oh, remember, remember...'
I can *completely* empathize with depression, as you know. It is the worst. It is the hardest trial I have (and still have) had in my life. Get your meds again!
At first, I saw 'Max', and thought 'hmm. Well, that's definitely not the teenage Max that I know.Or else that is a really weird comment from him.'
I love answers from prayers that are unmistakably personal and intended.
I feel bad that you have been struggling, Jill...
I can sympathize with you and can relate to you on so many levels...
Thanks for being so open and real...Man--you're the best!
I'm glad your prayer was answered..
(Can you believe I'm finally blogging again???!!!--I'm downright embarrassed that it has taken me so long to return!!!!--Geesh!)
I just love your fan base. They love you.
I love it that Michelle said she never has regretting making the effort to go to Church.
Answers to prayers are so humbling. Often it takes a minute for me to register why something happened...why because I was praying for that! Hope you feel better fast.
And good hell a-mighty! What's that website that Jessie just put out there?! *sigh*
I've had lots of times when going to church was felt like simply an exercise in obedience. So I tried to look at it like that. Other times I've said the same kind of prayer you did, and there was something that I felt was especially meant for me to hear. I never regret going, but I will admit that I have had times that I've gone home not feeling like I'd been spiritually uplifted at all. Sometimes because of my piss-poor attitude, sometimes because I was serving in the nursery, etc. I had a friend in New Orleans said that she didn't think anyone could do guilt better than the Catholics, until she met me, and that Mormons did it better. You wouldn't have enjoyed your day at home, and someone would have called to see if you were ok and you would have had to say "I didn't want to get out of the cozy" and there would be an awkward pause . (Do you love my hypothetical play by play? That's just how its been for me since we moved to UT)
Second, if you don't mind me asking, why did you stop taking your Zoloft? You can email me if you don't want to recomment. It can be a huge system to stop taking an antidepressant.
In any case, I'm pulling for you!
T
I missed the part about calling the doctor tomorrow. I personally think its a good move. Ask for samples. They often have them and don't think to hand them out. You know you can call or email me whenever.
i'm so glad you had a prayer answered in such a direct way. i also think you'll feel a lot better once your system gets better regulated.
and again, i love your blog. i think about you daily!
Yesterday I had those EXACT same feelings about church. NEVER in my 38 years have I ever felt I did not want to go to church... and just the idea that, that thought was in my mind was so disturbing to me. I knew I needed to go more than ever. For me it is for different reasons, one of which is I just wanted 4 hours (it's about 30 min each way) to be completely alone and get stuff done I wanted to do. I went to church, and was in tears before I even got to the building, ... anyway.... great post, I can totally relate. We had the same lesson (surprise!) and I felt the same way...
Thanks for posting about this!
I have been readying your blog for about a year but have never commented. I think the thing that I love most are your Sunday thoughts and testimony. I look forward to them! Thanks for taking the time to record and share them.
I have definitely had prayers answered like this, it is a very humbling but wonderful experience. I'm sorry that your dryer ate your hair care money, but at least you didn't need a new one altogether. Hope you had a great Shmalentines. :)
So sorry about your emotional *offness/out-of-sorts*--of late. I hope the doctor offers you some relief options!
This post was so powerful--and I'm goosebumpy about your answer during Relief Society--and imagine if you hadn't ben there to receive it? I've been feeling like that (wanting to skip church) and then I hear about something I missed and feel even worse.
I really like what you said about praying for help and then also being willing to do your (my) part too. Very true!
You're a keeper Jill!!
I love it when our prayers are answered so directly, and sometimes I'm embarrassed when I'm surprised that my prayers are so clearly answered. I understand about not being keen on going to church, and it's in those moments when I'm glad I've made such a habit out of it, so not going to church isn't an option. I've found myself relying on habit a lot, and in many ways, it's strengthening.
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