But I love to hear amazing people teach the gospel and share their personal experiences because it helps me learn, grow and hopefully change. I have been increasingly drawn to spiritual things lately and want to feel the lightness and love that comes from having the Spirit with me, but I am realizing that it is a very hard thing for me to maintain focus and perspective at all times. I am inconsistent, moody and in a constant state of flux. One moment I feel love for my fellow man and the next moment I am cursing the bad driver in front of me who is texting rather than using their blinker.
This tendency and frustration of mine became embarrassingly obvious to me as I was sitting in a class on Friday morning and had just finished writing this sentence in my notes..."The gift of charity [the pure love of Christ] protects us from an enormous range of temptations (i.e., hate, envy, jealousy, insecurities, criticisms, etc.)." I was having an ah-ha moment with this and then the phone of a woman sitting near me rang (despite reminders at the beginning of EVERY SINGLE CLASS to turn them off) and I was immediately filled with an abundance of ill-will toward her which consumed me as I watched her fumble to turn it off. I was fixated on her and so bugged, then I realized I was missing what the speaker was saying and that the class was about having the pure love of Christ...HELLO!! I was a wreck, because this is pretty much what happens to me every day of my life. I kneel to pray each morning to be attentive to the Spirit, to know who needs help from me, to be a good mother and to do what is right, but then I actually leave the bedroom and before I know it I am saying something snippy to Randy, barking orders at the kids, mentally chewing out fellow drivers and so on. Aargh! I know this about myself already, but this instance made it glaringly obvious and super humbling for me (an epiphany worth the $40 of the conference).
**Thoughts??**
15 comments:
Those moments (and teachers) are why I love Women's Conf., too. I completely understand your range of feelings. I think that's the struggle between the physical/spiritual--they are always fighting each other, we just get to choose which one wins.
Thanks for the snippet of conference.
Oh my gosh~ I'm livin' it!
I totally understand...
I'm working on it too
I think we all relate to this. I came home from a really spiritual stake conference last night to find an anonymous comment on my blog that basically called me out on some stuff. It immediatly made me hostile and I lost the spirit.
I'm over it now but I wish I had better control of my emotions.
Oh Jill! I totally get this!!! And yes, this is well worth the $40 for the reminder... great point for me as well!
I can't believe I missed you guys. I must have Kristi's wrong cell number. She fb me - but despite me trying several times to connect with you two - I failed.
Sad..indeed.
Glad you had a great time with your friends!!
You don't know me-I'm a friend of the Warners, (and a blog-stalker). But after reading your comment I just want to say-Aren't we thankful for the Atonement and the knowledge that repentance works, that we are here to learn and grow and that every day is a new day? Don't be so hard on yourself-you are on the right path and learning and growing. (And please don't think I'm a weirdo---just an old lady who likes to stalk blogs!)
"Making my reality reach the ideal" is something I deal with daily, too. I'm glad you had a great time.
I am working on being closer to the spirit and nicer when I am driving. I just don't like those who talk on Cel-phones while driving. AGH!! They make me so up-set.
Here is where I am blogging these days. If you care to visit me.
http://www.simplyafamily.blogspot.com/
You are not alone in this. I most relate to the getting up off my knees to find myself yelling at a kid.
I have avoided WC and Educ. Week for a long time because I hate the crowds, the cell phones, the throngs of Mormon Saints who think the rules don't apply to them... I love that you learn from those annoyances and find perspective and motivation when you go.
You're too hard on yourself. But I totally get what you are saying!
Jill, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in these feelings. I think we all are trying hard to have the Spirit with us, praying for it, and then heading out to live life it often slips away before we notice. I know it happens to me too. So don't feel so bad, just keep trying!
Oh Jill! I could have written this post :) You hit the nail on the head!!
I am so glad you got to enjoy Women's Conference (honestly...the crowds, the people, the heat...all this completely deters me from going!!)
I know exactly what you mean. EXACTLY. Why is it so hard to really live what we believe?! Darn mortality.
Ditto. That's about all I have energy for tonight. Ever since I've been home, my days have gone long into the night trying to catch up for being away!
Looks like we all relate. It's a good thing we can all start over again the next day...or hour...or minute.
So, once again...ditto.
I just watched one of those Mormon Messages called The Civility Project, and it was basically this same thing. This woman was being filmed talking to random people in Central Park and talked about how she sees everyone as being good, but then she chewed out this homeless man she thought might steal her bike. So the producer had the homeless man come over, and she talked to him and had a similar epiphany. I think the reason it speaks to so many of us is because it's human nature! It's easy to be charitable toward people that don't bother us. Don't be hard on yourself -- we're all working on it!
So glad you had a wonderful Women's Conference again. I was croaking internally that I was not there!
This is the struggle of my metro commute every. single. day. I always think, 'Hey, I'm charitable to my fellow men, as long as they don't act like MORONS and get in my WAY!!!!' Serenity now...
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