Spring Break Hangover

 

Is it wrong that when I get a break from work I immediately forget my hard-fought sleep schedule and adopt a slovenly schedule of late to bed late to rise with some reading/napping thrown in to the mix? I kind of think it is. At first I let myself revel in the luxury of it all and give myself full permission to lounge as needed. But after the first couple days of that a pattern emerges and lethargy ensues. It seems that sleep begets more sleep yet I never feel rested. Oh cruel irony. By the end of Spring Break I was officially sick of myself and slacker ways, though I was delighted that I finished a 500 page book. Then it was General Conference weekend, which I love, except that it meant 8 hours of TV watching in very close proximity to my family, who frankly I was sick of by that point. I was actually feeling ready to go back to work today except that I couldn't fall asleep last night (due to an afternoon nap) and then had anxiety-filled sleep/wakefulness for the last 2 hours of the night. Hence I woke up with a headache and felt exhausted all day. I'll have to pack it in early tonight in order to get back into my early to bed early to rise mode...when will I ever learn?

Torn

I often can't decide what exactly it is I want to do.
I have big plans in my mind for how I want things
(my life, my body, my house, my yard, my family) to be,
but then feel overwhelmed with the many reasons
why I can't do them (usually money-related).
This feels lame to me, like a series of excuses to keep me
from having to really do these things, but the thing is I really do
want to do them, so why would I be looking for excuses?
I probably need therapy (a team of specialists in Vienna)
to help me get past whatever mental block I've got going on,
but I don't see that happening.
Meanwhile 40 is knocking on my door (45 days)...
but when it comes down to it, all I really want to do is read.

**Am I crazy or can you relate in some way?**

 Comment Window Tidbit: We've been having a lot of rain lately and I'm loving it. I get excited when the sun is shining too, but I think I will always be a rainy day kind of girl.

Sunday Thoughts

While attending Women's Conference on Thursday and Friday I was painfully reminded that it brings out the best and the worst in me, and that the combination of these feelings is not my favorite. I dislike crowds and being overheated to such a degree that it's really quite remarkable that I actually seek out and pay for this experience.

But I love to hear amazing people teach the gospel and share their personal experiences because it helps me learn, grow and hopefully change. I have been increasingly drawn to spiritual things lately and want to feel the lightness and love that comes from having the Spirit with me, but I am realizing that it is a very hard thing for me to maintain focus and perspective at all times. I am inconsistent, moody and in a constant state of flux. One moment I feel love for my fellow man and the next moment I am cursing the bad driver in front of me who is texting rather than using their blinker.


This tendency and frustration of mine became embarrassingly obvious to me as I was sitting in a class on Friday morning and had just finished writing this sentence in my notes..."The gift of charity [the pure love of Christ] protects us from an enormous range of temptations (i.e., hate, envy, jealousy, insecurities, criticisms, etc.)." I was having an ah-ha moment with this and then the phone of a woman sitting near me rang (despite reminders at the beginning of EVERY SINGLE CLASS to turn them off) and I was immediately filled with an abundance of ill-will toward her which consumed me as I watched her fumble to turn it off. I was fixated on her and so bugged, then I realized I was missing what the speaker was saying and that the class was about having the pure love of Christ...HELLO!! I was a wreck, because this is pretty much what happens to me every day of my life. I kneel to pray each morning to be attentive to the Spirit, to know who needs help from me, to be a good mother and to do what is right, but then I actually leave the bedroom and before I know it I am saying something snippy to Randy, barking orders at the kids, mentally chewing out fellow drivers and so on. Aargh! I know this about myself already, but this instance made it glaringly obvious and super humbling for me (an epiphany worth the $40 of the conference).

**Thoughts??**

End of the Tunnel

Despite all my hard work and efforts to plan ahead so that I would be ready for Youth Conference by Thursday, I ended up in a total panic waiting for crucial papers and phone responses from other people.

I also hugely underestimated the task of assigning 64 people shared bedrooms. I will say that originally I thought the Bishopric was going to be doing this, so today was my first attempt and it ended up taking all day! I had to totally flake out on work which gave me anxiety because I am so NOT a flake and it cost me my day's pay. Oh well.



The logistics of organizing something like this are major so I feel like I've got 35 balls in the air and am not a trained juggler. I have been vacillating between feeling like "of course I can do this", to "I can't believe I have to do this", to "I wish so badly that I didn't have to do this", to "It will all be fine, just relax".

I know things will turn out great and that all my frustrations will soon be forgotten, I just wish I could learn how to enjoy the process more rather than wishing things away.

**What's the biggest event you've had to organize?
Can you juggle?
Do you tend to wish things away?**

Comment Window Tidbit: Good news: While making the room assignments for everyone I discovered that there is one tiny room available that won't work for the kids, so Randy and I can have our own room! This means we might actually get some sleep (I have such a hard time sleeping in weird places) and I'll get to shower in the morning!!!

Sunday Thoughts

New Calling News: I was called to be the Sunday School teacher for Landon's class, which means I'm teaching (with another woman) 11 of the kids I've been in primary with for the last 3 years. I taught today and am already comfortable because I know their personalities and families so well, woohoo.

Also, Randy and I were called to be in charge of Youth Conference this year which happens to be the first weekend in February! Fortunately we're going to Aspen Grove which means all the food and accommodations are taken care of and we only have to plan activities for Friday evening and all day Saturday. I know it will be fun, it's just a little weird coming into the Youth Program with no knowledge of what they've already done or what they need. We have a meeting with all the Youth leaders and Bishopric today, so I'm sure they'll tell us.

So today was my first day out of primary (though they had us come back for the first 5 minutes of both junior and senior primary to thank us--no tears!) and I did great. I'm already in love with my Sunday School class and new teaching partner (she's a sassy old woman).

The big deal for me was that it was my first time back to Relief Society in over 5 years! It was wonderful. I snuck in late since I'd been in primary for the first few minutes, but was in time for the end of "How Firm A Foundation" and the opening prayer. Our Relief Society President taught the lesson today and I took 3 pages of notes! I was very happy to be there, sitting on a soft seat, surrounded by other women. At one point I could hear the primary kids singing "Search, Ponder and Pray," and rather than making me feel sad, their voices served as a magnificent background to the great lesson we were having. My time there is done and I'm okay with that.


Here are my notes:
--In every adversity, we can choose to look to the Savior and be healed.
--Many of the people of Moses would not look at the serpent on the pole (which was a symbol of Christ) to be healed after they had been bit by the fiery serpents. The scriptures list 3 reasons for this...

1. They were hardened/stubborn, proud
2. They would not believe/lacked faith
3. They were slothful/Laxy, distracted, indifferent

--Aren't these 3 reasons the same reasons we may fail to the to the Savior to be healed?
--It matters that we look to Him.
--When we stay on the Lord's side of the line, Satan has no power over us. He can influence us but we can be quick to dismiss the thoughts he puts in our minds. (This is the point when I started to think this lesson was just for me.)
--Our thoughts give birth to feelings which then give birth to actions, so if we can dismiss negative thoughts we can spare ourselves negative feelings and actions. (Lightbulb moment!)

"Remember this thought too, that if you don't like the way you are feeling, you need to correct the way you are thinking. That is a great truth. If you do not like the way you are feeling, you must stop and correct the way you are thinking because it is those thinking patterns that bring the feelings.

The scientists tell us that if you start thinking about something, let's say something negative or wrong, it only takes about eight seconds for that thought to be played in your entire body. If you start thinking discouraging thoughts, it takes only about eight seconds for that to be played out in your entire body. Then it gets into your feeling level and it is harder to get rid of, isn't it?" --Gene R. Cook (from this talk)

--Recognize negative thoughts for what they are...tools of Satan.
--We can deal with pain and adversity the Lord's way.
--We can be filled with joy and consolation even in the midst of adversity as we fast and pray. Our hearts can be purified as we turn to the Savior. (Helaman 3:27-29, 34-35)

I felt totally uplifted after this lesson and motivated to study the scriptures more in-depth. I have read the Book of Mormon so many times, yet as we read these verses today I felt like I was seeing them for the first time. I think this year I need to come up with a plan to really study the scriptures instead of just reading them.


The poor woman in front of me got a workout with her toddler during Relief Society, this is what the area looked like after the meeting.

**Thoughts??**

Comment Window Tidbit: I wasn't happy about the early-morning wake up due to our 9:00am church schedule, but I'm pretty keen on being done by 12:00. Of course, Randy and I have a meeting at 1:30 today, but even after that we'll have delicious hours ahead of us.

Ups and Downs

I am having some issues lately with battling my own thoughts, and it's just plain ridiculous. For example, I was lamenting the fact that I have to work (as I was driving in my cold car which is losing its power steering just in time for Christmas) and I really wanted to give in to those feelings, turn the car around (not easy to do without power steering) and spend the day at home. But I had to stop those thoughts and try to rework things in a more positive light (i.e., it's a beautiful morning, I like most of the classes I help with, the hours are ideal, I'm going to get paid before Christmas etc.).

Then I started to wonder what life would be like if I weren't so inclined to fight everything. What if I just said, "This is my life, and I'm glad to have it?"

The answer to that question is that I would have been lobotomized or heavily medicated because fighting everything (in my head only) is what I do! I hate this about myself and I am trying hard to change it, but I seem to have a strong sense of entitlement regarding how my life should be (despite almost none of it going the way I'd like it to go). Why is it so hard to change?

**Do you feel entitled to a certain kind of life?
Do you fight things or embrace them?
Have you ever had to drive without power steering?**

Giveaway Winners
11--Lisa J.
2--Yeffinerp--Please email me (stuart_jill@hotmail.com)
5--Ryann
9--Melinda
4--Mitzi

Comment Window Tidbit: I had the sad realization that it isn't Christmas I'm counting down to and looking forward to, it's not having to work for 2 weeks that I'm really looking forward to most. That's just not right!