I'm a Mess...the Story

So I've had some major drama going on this past week and have been so disturbed by it that I didn't even want to mention it. It made me sick just to speak of it, so writing it out was more than I could take. But now that I think we're getting somewhere with it, I feel like I can talk about it. Here's the breakdown...

Tuesday February 22nd around midnight (so really the 23rd) I woke from a sound sleep to a racing heart, feeling like the bed was too small, the walls were closing in and like I had to get outside. I spent over 3 hours of the night feeling this way, pacing around the family room until I eventually fell asleep on the couch in a terrified and exhausted stupor, I literally thought I may be going crazy.

Wednesday February 23rd, I got up and ready for work while still experiencing some odd sensations but was actually afraid to stay home and try to rest. I had Randy give me a blessing then I went to work. I felt antsy all day, had to be up and moving a lot during classes but kept trying to breathe deeply while repeating over and over again, "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay."

We went to Landon's Boy Scout Banquet that night where I begged an Ambien off one of the mothers there so that I could sleep that night. The event was 2.5 hours long and I had to go outside at one point, and I also felt like I was going to freak out if I didn't get out of my boots soon. I took half the Ambien that night and slept great.

Thursday February 24th, I woke up feeling strange (even though I'd slept) and decided I needed to go in and see the doctor (I had just been in for my prescriptions on Tuesday!). I stayed home from work and slept until 1:oopm, then saw the doctor at 3:00. He thought it sounded like a panic attack and gave me a prescription for Temazepan to help ease the anxiety and help me sleep.

We went to Whitney's 4th Grade play and then to JCW's and I was feeling pretty normal. I got to have a long phone call with Betsy that night for her 40th birthday (woohoo) and felt like I could sleep on my own (plus it was after 11:00 when I went to bed and I didn't want to be groggy the next day so I didn't take anything). I did NOT sleep well. I kept having flushes of panic or bursts of adrenaline so that even though I was able to stay in bed all night it was not restful. I basically spent the night trying to stay calm by reviewing memorized scriptures, Articles of Faith and hymns in my head.

Friday February 25th, I woke up and got ready for work but felt exhausted and ended up staying home and having fitful sleep. I had little appetite, didn't feel like doing anything I normally would do at home (not a good sign) and basically felt stressed that these flushes of adrenaline kept happening. I basically did nothing all day but try to stay calm. At one point I went for a walk to try to breathe in as much fresh air as possible. Adam and Amy's girls came over for a sleepover so Adam and Amy could go out for her birthday (I surrendered to the chaos and just hid out watching 30Rock on the laptop). I took a Temazepan that night, slept great for 2 hours then had fitful dozing the rest of the night.

Saturday February 26th, I woke up feeling exhausted of course, but knew we were spending the day moving Robyn into her new place so managed to shower and get out of the house. I vacuumed at her old place for about 2 hours (all the moldings, baseboards and empty rooms). I had waves of adrenaline but kept telling myself that a day spent helping someone else was good for me and that it kept me from going crazy at home. I took the other half (which was slightly less than half) of the Ambien from Wednesday night and only slept a couple hours before having fitful sleep again!

Sunday February 27th, I woke up feeling exhausted again, but got ready and went to church. I felt super tired all during church, but otherwise did pretty well. After church, I had an hour at home to eat a sandwich while relaxing and reading before going to a 2 hour RS Committee Meeting. I then retired to the cozy with my book thinking I was in for a delicious nap, but was disturbed by surges of adrenaline every time I started to drift off! It was 2 hours of panicked relaxation (how is that for an oxymoron?). I was able to get another Ambien from a friend, and thankfully slept well by taking a whole one that night.

Monday February 28th, I woke up feeling wasted again, but got up and got ready for work, but knew I needed to get in to see the doctor today. I ended up staying home and having fitful sleep until I got in to the see the doctor at 2:00. He is now checking to see if it's a Thyroid issue. I had an EKG and had 2 viles of blood taken, so possibly we'll find out tomorrow what's going on. He sent in a prescription for Ambien, so hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight. This whole thing has been so crazy and frustrating and scary and has made me want my normal life back so badly. There's nothing like a health issue to humble you to the max. I have said so many prayers over these past 5 days, and have had to tell rework what I think I'm made of.

So to sum up, after not having visited a doctor for 3 years I have visited 3 times in 6 days.
I have lost 9 pounds. (You'd think this would be a bonus to all of this, but this isn't a fun way to lose it.)
I'm almost done with our book club book, Major Pettigrew's Last Stand.
I have lost interest in pretty much everything and spend my days and nights obsessing about sleep.

**Thoughts??**

That's Not Greasy Kids' Stuff

We attended a Scout Banquet this week which involved dinner, awards, and information prep for this summer's 50-Miler (which is actually a 56.6 miler).



The placemats were color copies of the 50 Miler route with each day's mileage and route indicated in red. It was a clever and informative, but intimidating too. It's a good thing to leaders have planned many hikes in preparation for this one. I think it goes without saying (though I'm saying it anyway) that I'm hugely relieved not to be participating in this in any way other than helping Landon to get ready for it.



These are Landon's awards for the night; he has a bunch of other ones just waiting for a leader to sign off on. Apparently we need to get him a sash so we can start sewing these on it as part of his uniform.



Thursday night we went to see Whitney in the elementary school's 4th grade play (the same one Landon was in 3 years ago). Whitney was a railroad engineer and was outfitted splendidly thanks to borrowed overalls and a conductor hat from Jenn. The kids have been practicing this play every day for an hour and a half since January, so they were extremely well prepared.



We didn't think Lori made it to the performance, but it turns out she had gotten there late (but in time for Whitney's parts) and had been standing in the back of the room.



Whitney was very vocal about "suggesting" that we celebrate by going to JCW's because that's what we did after Landon's play 3 years ago.

**How would you be feeling about a 6 day, 50 mile hike?

Were you ever in a 4th grade play?

Do you remember the commercial my title came from?**

Comment Window Tidbit: Our recycling is piling up because we missed the pick up last week...argh!

Another Milestone

Today is Betsy's 40th birthday...which is really something when you've been friends for 27 years! Even though lots of things have changed over those years, many things have stayed the same and we're still close friends who can make each other laugh like no one else can.

Comment Window Tidbit: This laptop set up is really cramping my style.

Wordless Wednesday

Comment Window Tidbit: I went to my new doctor (walking distance from my house) yesterday and am restocked on Zoloft and Relpax...health insurance is a good thing.

Kicking Off Birthday Alley

We kicked off "birthday alley" in typical Maher Style with a family gathering at the compound. This one came together quickly (barely a day's notice) and was a success.


Little Miss Ashley was very happy about turning 5. She is the youngest of the cousins so we all have a soft spot for her and treat her like the baby of the family.

My plate of goodness.

I don't know what Robyn, Whitney and Tess were doing on the computer, but I always like capturing miscellaneous scenes from our gatherings.


We gathered in the kitchen for gifts, our birthday song and cake. The girls always swarm the birthday person so closely that most of our videos consist of the back of their heads and a chorus of "Megan sit down!"

One of Robyn's clients (she's a personal trainer...I know, how are we related?) made this monkey cake for Ashley.

The happy swarm.

After Ashley's turn, Amy got to sit in the birthday seat. We had a chocolate bundt cake (which is really easy, moist and delicious) to help celebrate her 35th birthday (which is actually on the 25th).

Chocolate Bundt Cake

1 pkg Devil's food cake mix
1 (3oz) pkg chocolate pudding mix
1/2 c. sugar
3/4 c. oil
3/4 c. water
4 eggs beaten
1 c. sour cream
1 c. milk chocolate chips

Mix cake mix, pudding mix and sugar together. Add oil, water and beaten eggs. Fold in sour cream and chocolate chips. Pour into a well greased and floured bundt pan (I use Baker's Joy spray and it eliminates the mess). Bake at 350 degrees for 50 minutes. Let cool for 10 minutes then remove from pan. Cool and sprinkle top with powdered sugar before serving.

She had said "no gifts", but really what kind of craziness is that? I really don't see myself ever saying that. We all went in on an Amazon gift certificate since she's been so in to reading lately.

Even though Andrew doesn't love the noise of the crowd he does seem to enjoy the birthday festivities. He was particularly excited about having some ice cream, but had to be put off over and over again because we discovered that when Landon carried the bag with the 2 containers of ice cream in it he set it down when he took off his coat and shoes and then forgot about it. The bag ended up being buried in coats, and we didn't discover this until it was time for cake and ice cream 2.5 hours later! I haven't check to see if the ice cream has recovered it all, it may be vanilla soup...but we'll still eat it. Good times.

**Have you ever said "no gifts" for your birthday?

Do you ever make bundt cake?

Have you ever forgotten to put the ice cream in the freezer?**

Comment Window Tidbit: I feel rested and caught up at home after our 3-day weekend, woohoo!

A Surprise Visit from Missy Claudia

When I checked my email before work on Friday morning there was an email from Claudia (addressed to me, Crystal, Amie, Michelle, Robyn and Lori) announcing that she was coming into town later that day and would love to see anyone who was available. What the?! The majority of Claudia's visits to Utah have been spontaneous and yet whenever she does this I'm surprised.



Of course there were no details about her visit, so I had no idea when she'd be arriving, if she was planning on staying with me or if I'd end up seeing her at all (this is just how she rolls). I left her a voicemail on my lunch break, then she called me around 4:00 to say she caught a ride with a friend of hers and was 4 hours away at the moment. We ended up getting cut off before any sort of plan or real details were given, so I still had no idea what her plan was, aargh!


She ended up calling me just as I was going to bed at 10:00 to say she was staying at her aunt's house (who wasn't even in town) and that she didn't have a car (since she had driven with her friend). We arranged for me to pick her up Saturday morning at 9:30 so we could go to breakfast before I dropped her off at her hair appointment (her one definite plan) at 12:30 in Salt Lake.



We went to IHOP for a very tasty breakfast (it's such a rare treat to have a full-on breakfast like this) and leisurely conversation as we caught up on each others' lives.

After breakfast we wandered around Tai Pan Trading for an hour, then I dropped her off at her hair appointment. I haven't heard from her since and wouldn't be surprised if she called or showed up at my house at any moment or if I didn't hear from her again for months. I never know with that girl.

**Do you like to make definite plans or just go with the flow?

Do you enjoy a full-on breakfast like this?

Do you have any crazy friends like this?**

Comment Window Tidbit: It's so glorious to have a 3 day weekend!

Sunday Thoughts

Last night found me struggling to get motivated for church again this week, but I continued to prepare my Sunday School lesson, prayed fervently for help, and went to bed at 9:00 for a NyQuil-induced slumber of champions.

This week it was Sacrament Meeting that gave me the boost I needed and answered my prayer. The first talk was a great one by a freshly returned missionary (his testimony and enthusiasm were contagious) and the 2nd talk was the high council speaker from our ward (he is amazing, but rarely gets to speak in our ward).

The high council speaker's talk was all about enjoying mortality and doing hard things! (Um hello!)

--We are all called to pass through times of misery, but we don't have to be miserable.
--We shouldn't be afraid of doing hard things.
--Trying to escape our trials is NOT part of the Plan of Happiness.
--In their day, Laman and Lemuel would have been considered "active" members of the church. They did many of the outward things they were asked to do (leave their home, get the plates from Laban), but complained while doing them...are we like them?
--We were saved to be on the earth in these latter days, we were valiant and faithful in the premortal life.
--Before we came to earth, we were told of the challenges we would face and we all answered by saying, "I can do that!" (Here he gave examples like--being born with a birth defect, having a spouse be unfaithful, having a chronic illness, being short and fat, having Alzheimer's Disease, being poor.)
--Don't pray to avoid your trials. Don't be afraid of doing hard things. We are faithful and strong, we can handle the things that come our way.

This was the perfect pep talk for me right now. I know and believe all of these things, yet I still manage to forget and end up feeling weak and negative about life; I actually complained to Michelle about being mortal the other day. When I snap out of these feelings by gaining perspective I feel embarrassed for falling so easily, yet when I'm in the middle of suffering through something I can't seem to see clear of it. Aargh!

**Thoughts??**

P.S. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.

Comment Window Tidbit: Our computer may have died (or perhaps just slipped into a coma) so that means I'm now using an old laptop and may have lost a whole lot of data. I'm not happy about it, and my posting may decrease as a result. I've got a system people and now it's been blown to bits.

Five for Friday

1. My mom and I had a car-lunch one day this week. I've gotten quite comfortable with my daily routine of eating my lunch while reading in the car (and have lots of crumbs in there to prove it), but enjoyed the rare treat of actual human company and something other than a peanut butter sandwich for lunch.



2. Not that there's anything wrong with the good lunches Randy makes for me each day.

3. This was my lunch sack on Valentine's Day.

4. I saw Whitney using a pair of tongs to reach a box of cereal this week, too funny.


5. I took this picture of a poem and painting Whitney wrote at school recently. I asked the teacher about it and she said the kids all got to pick which emotion to write about (as opposed to it being assigned). I love her words, her picture and the fact that she chose "Happiness".

"Happiness is yellow like a burning sun
And also like a lemon on a kitchen table.
It sits in my hand
It reminds me of the time I first tasted a lemon.
It makes me feel bright like a light.
It make me want to laugh."

By Whitney

Shmalentine's Day 2011

This Valentine box was a result of the combined genius and efforts of Whitney and Randy. Whitney wanted a snake, but we (yes, even I consulted) knew gravity would have to be factored in so the two of them came up with this while Landon and I were at Michelle's house for Creative Friday last Saturday (you know it's Creative Friday even if we don't get together on Friday right?). Her class voted and she won a prize for the "Most Creative" box.


This was our stash of Valentine gifts for each other, definitely a better showing than in years past. This is mainly because Whitney had an idea for me and ended up helping Randy get it.

Landon got two boxes of Nutty Bars.

Randy is incredibly hard to buy for, so my gifts were mainly gestures. He's way into those water bottle flavor packets these days so I stocked him up with 3 boxes of those and then gave him the Sheri Dew audio collection (I told him it was the ultimate self-help set).

Whitney got a baby giraffe figurine.

The Cold Stone store near us now has a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory counter in it, so Randy and Whitney got me a box of milk chocolate goodies I like (i.e., caramels, truffles and toffee).


Whitney's gift idea for me was a big, soft blanket; it's a huge Full/Queen size (yikes, that sounds like my size!).


Speaking of being Queen sized, I made these amazing cupcakes in an effort to do something festive for Shmalentine's Day. I don't normally even care about cupcakes, and especially not chocolate cupcakes but these are fantastic.

Overall it was a good Shmalentine's Day; I think I may have given up on any Harlequin Romance notions I ever once possessed.

**How was your Shmalentines?**

Comment Window Tidbit: We had super crazy winds and sleet last night so I thought there might be a possibility of having a snow day today, but no such luck. Dang it!

I'm Alright

"We may encounter many defeats
but we must not be defeated."
--Maya Angelou

I get a quote emailed to me each day from Real Simple Magazine and this was yesterday's quote, which seemed to be just right for me fresh off the heels of my dryer set back. I am actually in strangely good form right now, but wanted to document this as a reminder to myself (and really, I won't be defeated by a dryer!)

**What is trying to defeat you this week?**

Comment Window Tidbit: We had book club last night and I made myself go to bed when I got home rather than staying up way too late to blog, hence no post yesterday.

Prognosis Negative

I called the appliance repair company today during my lunch break and was thrilled to find out they could send someone over almost as soon as I got home today. This was great, visions of clean, dry clothes danced in my head. Then the repair guy came and said it would be $200! I didn't exactly burst into tears, but I teared up, groaned and squeaked out "really?" He took pity on me and knocked off $20. What could I do?

He was very nice and not only replaced the heating element, but fixed a lint guard problem that has been plaguing us for years. Now our outdoor flower beds won't be littered with unsightly lint any more.

The final amount was $196.42, and on the memo line in our check book I wrote "Dryer Extortion". The good thing is that tomorrow is pay day, the bad thing is that was $196.42! Any chance I had of getting my hair done is gone. Oh the humanity!

**Any unforeseen set backs in your finances?
Would you have cried?
Please take a moment to love
your functioning appliances.**

Comment Window Tidbit: I'm in really good form considering it's Shmalentine's Day...no doubt this is a tender mercy from above.

Sunday Thoughts

I have not been myself lately. Or maybe I've been too much of myself and it's driving me crazy. I don't know, but I think it has something to do with a 4 month absence of Zoloft from my body. The roller coaster rides of emotion are making me feel unstable and out of sorts (2 things I'm not very keen on) and it's time to get off.

So last night before bed I told Randy that for the first time in years I wasn't feeling very keen on going to church. I think maybe missing primary and not loving to teach my Sunday School class are part of it, but most likely these feelings are coming from the above mentioned imbalance going on in my brain.

Before bed last night I prayed that I would have a desire to go and that I would get something from church that spoke directly to me. That meant that when my alarm went off this morning I had to get up and get ready. I mean, I can't pray for help and then not do my part to make things happen right? But I really, really wanted to be sick today.

The meetings went like this...Sacrament Meeting was fine, but not a tear-jerker for me more like a battle with the Sandman because I could hardly stay awake. Sunday School was okay, it wasn't my week to teach so I tried to keep the kids quiet (they're chatty 12 year olds) and tried to pay attention, but I kept picturing being home in the cozy.

But then I went to Relief Society and experienced a direct answer to my prayer. The lesson was on Sacrifice, and the teacher was listing well known examples from the scriptures (Abraham and Isaac, Christ's Atonement). But then she said, that we often disregard our own sacrifices because they aren't as big as the ones we compare ourselves to. Then she went on to list a bunch of things we do that can be considered sacrifices and ended by saying "Making the decision to get out of bed to come to church today even though you didn't feel like you could do it was a sacrifice." I felt like a light shone down from heaven directly on me with the Lord saying "I heard you, I know how you feel and I'm glad you chose to come today anyway."

It's amazing when prayers get answered this way and it's very humbling to have to experience the rawness that makes me feel so sad and alone in the first place. I will be calling to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow because I don't think my emotions were meant to be this up and down, nor everyday to be such a battle with myself. But I am very grateful for inspired teachers and a loving Father in Heaven who answers my prayers.

**Thoughts??**

12 on the 12th--February Edition

{click to enlarge}

01. This is the latest I've slept-in, in quite awhile.
02. I spent some time catching up and commenting on blogs.
03. Whitney and I went to Wal-Mart to get her Valentine stuff, this was not a fun outing.
04. Then we came home to make actual paper Valentines to go with the fun erasers we bought.
05. Landon and I set off for Michelle's house to have Creative Friday, woohoo!
06. We brought Cafe Rio for lunch.
07. Michelle and I both worked on gifts for blogger birthdays.
08. Our self-portrait for the day.
09. This sign was on the window at the Walgreens' Pharmacy, stuff like this is embarrassing...how can people be so rude?
10. We had a family pizza picnic and watched The Fabulous Mr. Fox.
11. After the kids went to bed, Randy and I watched the latest episode of The Good Wife.
12. I read myself to sleep.

**How was your 12th?
Did you document your day?**

You can check out other people's 12 on the 12th collages here.

Comment Window Tidbit: The heating element in our dryer went out on Thursday night so now I'm feeling panicked with all the laundry piling up. I really, really, really hope this won't be an expensive or time-intensive repair dang it!

A Rumbly Game Night

We gathered for game night last night and had a new game to play thanks to Adam's Barnes and Noble gift card. We'd heard that the game Dominion was a fun one, so he splurged and used his gift card for our benefit.


Landon and Tess were buddies and squeezed into the office chair to watch "The Sandlot".


Bella, Whitney and Megan played in our bedroom. Whitney usually invents all kinds of creative games for them to play, but when I took this picture Bella was playing Tetris on Randy's very old Nintendo.


Adam was experiencing a bizarrely rumbly tummy and really wasn't sure how things were going to turn out (if you know what I mean), but he kept it together and still managed to beat us all in Quiddler, Dominion and Bang!


My mom and Robyn showed up at the end of the night (they'd gone to a movie together) bearing Valentine Gifts.


My mom brought bags of treats and little gifts for the kids (Landon gave her "bones").


And she gave me, Robyn, Amy and Lori these cute bags...Adam and Randy got some chocolate-macadamia nut clusters.


After everybody left and I was about to put my camera away Landon said, "Let's take a self-portrait, just for the love of it" how could I resist that?

**Have you ever played Dominion?
Do you use Antacid very often?
Do you celebrate the love of self-portraits?**

Five for Friday

1. On Monday our weather was a glorious 45 degrees and sunny! It felt so nice that I actually turned off the heat and opened the kitchen window while I cleaned. I totally experienced the euphoria that comes with spring. Of course, 2 hours later we had blizzard-like conditions, but still. (We're actually supposed to have sunny weather in the 40's this weekend, woohoo!)


2. Whenever I am about to go get my haircut or go to Parent-Teacher Conferences at school I find myself wanting to bring them something. It's usually too late to do this or I don't know what to bring (my stylist is often on a diet so I usually don't bring her anything) but for Parent-Teacher Conferences this time I brought Whitney's teacher this bag of candy to help her survive a long night of appointments. I was so pleased to have something to give her, and she seemed rather pleased as well.


3. Landon got his End of the Term award certificates for perfect attendance and achieving a 4.0, woohoo for him.


4. I put 3 of the cute, good mail ornaments Melinda sent me on the top edge of my bulletin board this week. I love seeing that cute mail truck, blue mailbox and red mailbox up there.


5. About a month ago, my hilarious, blogging friend Ashley sent me a funny email that started with this sentence, "Some people come into our lives for a reason. I came into your life to tell you about this fridge miracle." It turns out she has the same fridge I do and had a broken door shelf just like me. One day as she was wiping out the fridge and feeling frustrated by the missing shelf she noticed a sticker on the inside of the fridge with a customer service number on it; she called the number and they sent her a free shelf. It toom me weeks to remember to call during business hours and then to get an actual human on the phone, but eventually I did and I got my free shelf in the mail last week...no more displaced condiments! This is just one more reason why I love blogging!


6. I don't know how I can spend 6 hours a day helping kids with their schoolwork and then come undone while trying to help my own daughter, but I do! This girl always asks me for help and then promptly dismisses my suggestions; it makes me crazy! We always manage to get the work done, but I often feel like it's some version of Candid Camera from the Universe.

**How warm does it have to
be to feel like spring to you?
Do you ever feel inclined to take
treats to teachers or your hair stylist?
Why do you love blogging?**

Don't forget...tomorrow is 12 on the 12th day!

Comment Window Tidbit: It's Friday again and I'm done with Youth Conference, woohoo sweet freedom!!